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TFA Blog: Self-righteous and wrong

dmgb — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 04:44:53 +0100

When I was corps member, I generally felt that there was a certain self-righteousness that seemed to pervade TFA, and that at times infected me as well. Unsuccessful schools simply results from teachers who are burnt out and have stopped caring. Unsuccessful teachers simply lack high expectations for their students. The educational system itself has failed because people don’t realize the ‘crisis’ and don’t want to do anything to change it. Such ideas breed self-righteous anger. It’s a self-assuredness that is at once appealing, false, and destructive, so I was sad to see it epitomized in a recent ‘Pass the Chalk’ blog post on TFA's website. The central thesis of the piece, 'After Aurora' is simple and unoriginal: America may pay attention to mass shootings in upscale neighborhoods like Aurora, but it ignores the plight of gang violence in urban, low-income areas. The author Shuhei Yamamoto, a TFA staffer who lives in Chicago, writes:

As of July 25, Chicago has surpassed 300 murders and 1,500 people shot in 2012. Why hasn’t this violence received the same media attention that Aurora has rightfully received? Are we able to tolerate a couple of shooting deaths every night? Does our nation reserve its grief and anger for isolated incidents? Numbers alone may influence public perception of these shootings, but the real answer is elsewhere: race and class.

There are a few things that are simply factually wrong here. National media have paid attention to Chicago’s rising violence rate. Both the New York Times and Wall Street Journal have written about it here and here and here and here. Am I missing something? You can’t expect New York-based papers to cover individual homicides in Chicago, right? It’s also worth noting that local papers in Chicago have been relentlessly covering the tragedy of gang violence in Chicago. See here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. The writer's implication is that the reason the Aurora shooting received so much media attention is because of ‘race and class.’ Again, clearly false. I lived in Denver for a summer and I actually umpired baseball at some Aurora high schools; it's not a typical leafy, affluent suburb. Much of the city is low-income, and in fact TFA – Colorado places teachers in the school district there. The New York Times points out that Aurora is less than fifty percent white and describes the area where the shooter lived as ‘gang ridden.’ The big issue with this blog post, however, is what comes next. (If I were teaching this passage to my students, I would tell them to underline instances of self-righteousness):

When fatal shootings occur relentlessly in the black and Latino neighborhoods of the South and West Sides of Chicago, they are accepted as inevitable. As everyday news. When non-fatal muggings occur in Chicago’s white and affluent downtown shopping areas, there is outrage and demand for swift justice. We have deemed certain cities, institutions, and neighborhoods as acceptable places for violence to occur, while others are not. We have perpetuated the construction of spaces for violence through a racial lens.

Wait. Who has ‘deemed’ violence ‘acceptable?’ ‘We’ have – but by ‘we’ the author certainly doesn’t mean himself, right? Because, of course he doesn't deem them acceptable. This is the self-righteousness I’m talking about. The author has used faulty evidence to suggest that many people believe violence is okay. The problem isn't that gang violence is a challenging issue with many causes and no easy answer; the problem is that a bunch of racist, classist people think violence is alright in low-income, minority areas. If this were true, it would be outrageous, infuriating, and no doubt make one feel an aggrieved sense of righteousness. The solution, in turn, would be simple: decide that violence is not ‘acceptable.’ In the real world people do care and are trying to put an end to gang violence. A New York Times article I linked to earlier states that Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel’s first action every morning is to read about shootings and gang violence. He and the Chicago police are trying desperately to put a stop to the city's rampant violence. Emmanuel is finding that fixing Chicago’s gang problem, not unlike fixing Chicago’s schools, defies easy answers. TFA could do to learn this lesson as well.

Nerdy New School Excitement

BallerinaMathematician — Tue, 19 Jun 2012 03:32:43 +0100

This blog post seems out of place with so many Institute/Induction/omgTFA! posts, as I'm now officially an alumni going into my third year. However, I'm still allowed to geek out over education. I am filled with excitement for my new school and just thrilled to be starting in a few weeks. I received an email today regarding professional development and the upcoming school year. It was clear, concise and answered all my questions (and I had a lot of questions). Just that small fact - that I received an informative email weeks ahead of starting PD - thrills me. This is what my life will be like from now on. I will know what's happening. I will have my questions answered in a way that makes sense. I will enter a stable work environment. I will be surrounded by positive, inspiring people. I will be happy. I think what excites me the most about moving states and moving schools is the level of support I will have. Every week, I will be observed and have conversations about the feedback (not just given a sheet and told to look it over). My administration will be dedicated to making me the best teacher possible, and that's what I want more than anything. I want to learn, I want to talk through ideas, I want to have someone to discuss my data analysis with other than my less-than-interested boyfriend. I know I can improve in every area of teaching, and I'm going to make it happen at this school. Teach For America has done its best to make me into an excellent teacher, but they have their limitations. And my former school...I can't even say they did the bare minimum to make me a decent teacher. They just threw me in and hoped I wasn't showing movies all year. I am stoked for the organization of this school. I'm more than ready for the stability, the positivity, the phenomenal and consistent culture, the clear expectations, and the SUPPORT. I want to read every education book I can in the few weeks of summer I have left because I'm so excited to learn more that I want to begin right now. (Perhaps I sound more like an incoming corps member than I realized!) It's going to be an incredible amount of hard work, and although I'm prepared for that reality I'm also psyched about the concept of just teaching. No TFA and no masters degree. Just 100% focus on my kids, my classroom, and how to improve as a teacher in this school. I'm totally geeking out but I love it.

Leaving

BallerinaMathematician — Wed, 23 May 2012 00:37:54 +0100

It's incredible that tomorrow is the last day teaching at my school. On Thursday my 8th graders "continuate" and then I begin a venture into the world of charter schools. I can hardly believe my TFA experience is ending, but of course we all know that it's just the corps member component that's coming to a close, and now begins the important work of alumni hood. I have such mixed emotions about the upcoming changes in my teaching career. I am impressed with the number of CMs in my region who are teaching a third year, and simply amazed at the number who are staying in their placement school. Forget the reputation TFA has for "two and done" - our corps is rocking the classroom! That's awesome and exciting, but I still have such guilt for leaving my placement school, even though I'm teaching a third year. I shouldn't be guilty. My school only has one more year open so everyone is leaving anyway, if not this year than next. Not to mention it is the worst school in the district - the one everyone refers to as "well as least you done work at _______." It has done quite a number on my sanity and emotional well-being. I would not physically survive a third year, let alone desire to attempt it. And yet somehow my decision to leave my school and continue teaching the exact same content area and grade level to the same population to kids at a more functioning school causes me a lot of excitement and a big twinge of guilt. I can't wait for professional development to start in July, even if it cuts my summer short. I can't wait to work at a school with sound structures, solid systems, and a successful past. There is stability there (not something I've experienced at my placement school at all!!) and an immense amount of positivity from students, staff, and leaders. I'll be getting tons of feedback so I can grow as a teacher, which I am so very eager to hear. I'm going to be surrounded by inspring people working as hard as I do. I could not be happier to be moving there. I'm very interested to experience the contrasts between public and charter schools. I spent two years in the lowest-performing middle school in the district (among the top 10 lowest in the entire state) and now I'm going to one of the best. Same kids, different plan, different results. I want to know what success looks like, and I'm going to see it. I already have from my interview and school visit. It's phenomenal, inspiring, energizing, positive. There's such push back against charters and I usually support charter schools, but now I'm going to have the experience to really make a case of public vs. charter. I had an excellent and inspiring conversation with my MTLD last night to close out the year. I love reflecting on my progress and how I've developed as a teacher and a leader and where I'm going to go with that in the future. She asked me how many years I envision staying in the classroom. It's funny, because a recent survey I took asked me the same question and I was forced to enter a number into a box. I still struggle with it. I know for a fact that I am going to be involved in education for the rest of my life. Every TFA alum has their own path towards solving educational inequity and I know mine is in the education system. So I'll be a part of it...but how long I'll be a teacher? I love the idea of leadership but know I'm nowhere near ready to take that on. I can imagine that being a path for me much later. I also have this dance passion that I want to capitalize on - how can I start a dance program at my school? Will I stay a teacher or will I end up running a program, therefore "leaving the classroom"? So many thoughts and so many feelings! Finishing TFA is quite the roller coaster. My last day of work is Thursday, and at 3:30 AM Friday I leave my apartment to begin my trip to Paris. I've never been out of the country (I know, I know) and I am beyond excited that I'll finally have the chance. I'll be celebrating my two years in TFA, celebrating leaving my school and starting somewhere new where I'll be happy, and spending 12 days with the love of my life. Not a bad way to end this crazy experience, huh?

Heartbreak

BallerinaMathematician — Fri, 04 May 2012 00:25:54 +0100

I found out today that one of my 8th graders is pregnant. She's 13 and 3 months along. After school I heard her talking to one of my girls from last year, who was with her four-month-old. A mom and a mom-to-be, talking about what pregnancy is like and how to stay strong no matter what people say. I am heartbroken to discover this. This girl is sweet and funny and a good kid overall, always respectful. She has the worst attendance of any of my students (a little over 50%) but when she's there she works pretty hard. And now her whole life is going to change. She already struggles in school - when you show up once a week it's hard to stay on top of the material. High school will be that much harder to complete with a kid to raise. There are just so many things working against my students, and I can't conquer them all. Honestly, I can't conquer anything. I do my best to teach them math, and I try to instill a hard-working, I-can-do-it, problem-solving attitude in my kids. But it's not enough. I'm just an 8th grade math teacher. It's near the end of my second year, and discovering this information today has really made me think about what impact I've had. What difference have I made? Would they have been better off with another teacher? Or am I a slight improvement over the next guy? I certainly feel like I work hard enough to make a difference. It frustrates me that I'll never know, at least not for most of my kids. I've seen a good number of my former students and that's always nice, but next year I'll be in another state. Even if my students did want to come back and visit they won't be able to, and I'll care even more a few years later when they start graduating from high school. It's selfish to want to know what difference I've made. And yet the constant struggle and stress is harder knowing that I could be ruining their lives or changing them for good and I have no clue which is happening or why. I'll write another entry soon about what it's like to be near the end of my corps experience and my plans to stay in the classroom next year. I'm sad now but there are many happy things I wish to write about.

One of Those Days

BallerinaMathematician — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 01:25:37 +0100

Today was one of those days. The days that I used to have in my first year, when I came home crying and feeling hopeless. The days where my lesson was terrible and no one learned, even after I re-wrote it the night before (staying up late planning is something I had banished all this year) and then fixed it again in the middle of the day and it still didn't work out. The days where I get so upset over the future of my students and what kind of effect I've had on them. I'm not changing their lives - or if I am it's not enough. It's unfair what they have to deal with. It's not fair that they should be expected to succeed at this school and in this system and with the craziness affecting them outside of school. But it's too much for me to change all that for every single student. There are 110 kids, each with a totally different set of needs and issues and background knowledge and goals and motivations. In my second year of teaching I haven't been upset like this. I haven't felt the crushing weight of the achievement gap, my own failings and my extreme frustrations with this school and this system. Yet twice this week I've come home and not been able to work - dead and only capable of zoning out. Today is that day. I feel guilty when this happens, because I know there's work to be done, but it's just not possible. I hate this feeling. On a positive note, I'm looking forward to next year because I've been offered a job. I'm moving back to Texas and I'll be working at an amazing school full of inspiring, supportive, friendly adults and hard-working, happy, amazing students. Same population of students, just in a functioning, well-established and consistent environment. Perhaps more important than anything else, I'm going to get a ton of support and development as a teacher. I can't wait, because there's so much I can learn. So I'll end on that note and expand on this decision later, since there's definitely more to it.

One Kid

BallerinaMathematician — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 00:53:52 +0100

We started state testing this week and it's a more miserable experience than I recall from last year. I did have one bright spot, which was then brightened even further today! I like to write about the bright spots, and this one is a student. To give you some background, S is a brilliant kid with low self-esteem. My classroom theme is "brilliant mathematicians" and I repeatedly refer to him as one and he repeatedly corrects me. I've gotten into arguments with him so many times - he says he's a "bad kid" or that he cheated on that test he aced. I tell him it's due to his hard work that he got the highest score in the class (which it IS). I tell him he's a good kid - a great kid in fact. It kills me that he argues back, but I have been giving him this positive message every chance I get all year long. The thing is, there are other adults in the building that do think he's a bad kid. Anytime he interacts with our principal he gets in trouble. As S puts it, they just "don't get along." I've always gotten along with S, and I don't understand why other people jump to anger when they see him (or why he does...I can't say who got mad first but he has a lot of negative interactions with adults one way or another). Anyway...this kid is awesome and he's one of my favorites (shh, don't tell). Once, he raised his hand to get help with a problem and spent a good two minutes giving me a detailed and math-vocabulary-laced explanation of every step he had taken so far and then talked himself out of the mistake he'd made, realized it, and perfectly corrected it. I teared up listening to him explain so thoroughly exactly how to do the math I'd taught him. I could go on and on but the point is what happened this week. He asked me if he could come in at lunch to get extra help with one of the learning goals from the last unit (um....YES). I loved helping him because he gets things so easily. When he was done we spent about 20 minutes hanging out and talking. I told him my real age (which is a BIG deal - I never tell students that) and he laughed hard when I told him why I lie about being 43 when I'm 23 (it cracks me up that students believe me). He talked about how he was bothered by the people that came in to tell his health class why marijuana was bad. He didn't give me the typically 8th grade argument of "weed isn't that bad...I just know" but instead discussed the flaws in the research they had presented and why it made their data invalid. It was so nice to have an informal conversation with such a smart, awesome kid. It made my day,but the story gets better. Today one of my City Year corps members (I need to write a blog later about how amazing they are!) relayed to me a conversation she had with S. He told her that he really likes me, and she asked him why. I would've been happy with just hearing that he likes me, but he went on to say "she's a really good teacher, and people don't appreciate her enough." This. kid. rocks. End of story. I wish awesome things like this happened more often, and I wish I could let this kid know how much I appreciate HIM and how great he really is.

Transformational Change

BallerinaMathematician — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 04:13:18 +0100

I had my first "Leadership Team" tonight--the second component of training in year two, at least in my region. I am so energized! It was such authentic, meaningful discussion amongst a group of brilliant, talented, modest, thoughtful peers. I loved it. One of the buzz words in TFA this year has been "transformational" change. Our corps became pretty angry with the introduction of it at Orientation this year. They paired the word with the number 2, because that's how many of our classrooms are truly "transformational." Of course people became offended, and we hungered for a clear definition. Who are those two CMs? What are they doing that I'm not? How can I make that happen? What does transformational even MEAN? I wasn't particularly heated about it. I have a very self-deprecating view of my teaching skills, so of course I'm not one of the two, and I understood transformational on a surface level. For some reason though, the conversations I had tonight finally made it stick. I'm not sure I can quite articulate my thoughts around it, but I'll try. We were shown a comparison between transformational classrooms and effective classrooms--the context, the teacher mindsets, the student actions, the overall goals. When I read the context, it all clicked. Transformational change is required when the context is working against that success. Effective teachers work in schools where students are expected to succeed, do succeed, and it happens because the system functions and everyone's working towards that goal. And generally, not as much work is required when the kids have had years of effective schooling and have a stable, supportive life outside of the classroom. Transformational means overcoming the dysfunctional structures, the failing systems, the poor leadership, the disbelief that success is possible, the years of learning very little...taking that situation and going above and beyond (using all that TFA training) so that the students don't just learn a year's worth of material but make dramatic growth that will endure and change their path. Maybe this was obvious to everyone else, and perhaps I haven't explained myself well, but for some reason it all made sense. And it honestly made me feel so much better. I do work harder than the teachers I had in high school. I do so much more for my students, and I have to if I'm going to make a real difference. It's not that my former teachers are more talented than me, or that I'm better than them (not by a long shot), but it comes down to a drastic difference in context. I'm doing a lot, and it's for a reason. We also brought up the isolation that can come from being that transformational teacher. It's not enough. I'll say that right now. If I were an amazing, successful teacher and make a difference for every student...they still leave me. They go on to a wide range of teachers and schools that could either have the supports to continue that transformation or not, causing a backward slide. These kids need support from every teacher every year, and to do that we need better schools and better leaders in them. I love that I get to explore that idea with this leadership team. How can we keep awesome teachers in the classroom? Leadership roles beyond principal (I don't want to say "below" because I don't see it that way) can allow those teachers to create change within their classrooms while also changing the school. That's definitely what I want to do. Maybe it will be from an academic perspective like my position on the School Leadership Team or maybe it will be starting/supporting/running dance programs in public schools. There's so much potential. In news related to my quest for a dance teacher job, I have an interview next Monday!! I received an interview request less than two days after submitting my resume and cover letter, and I'm very excited. It's a dance teacher position at an elementary charter school nearby my current job--same kids, same area, just younger and in a much more fun atmosphere. I had the chance to observe one of my friends teach a kinder theater class (she was an '09 CM placed at my current school) and my heart melted. I can't wait to have fun every day, and give kids the chance to move and express themselves and even learn academics through movement. I'm anxious to learn more about this school where I have an interview. It appears to be a functioning school with many TFA alum. What would it be like to work at a school with solid systems and structures, good leadership, and a staff full of driven achievers like me? Also, I passed the PLACE test for PE!! I'm on my way to making this dance endeavor official. The excitement that comes from my thoughts of the future along with inspirational, invigorating nights like tonight almost make up for the miserable feelings I have during most of my day. This is unbelievably hard work, but I know in the end I'm going to use this incredible experience to do great things and impact education in my own way. I wish I could hold onto this optimism! It'll likely be long gone by 3rd period tomorrow.

The Two-Handed Feel Up

BallerinaMathematician — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 00:04:09 +0100

Yesterday, I got felt up by an 8th grade boy. It was a definite, two-handed, all-out feel up. Now this was accidental of course, but it doesn't change the ridiculousness or embarrassment of the situation. Let me explain... My 5th period class is a math skills block full of "high flyers" who all happen to be friends with each other. On days when none of them happens to be suspended, absent, ditching or in ISS, it is a powderkeg of misbehavior. Yesterday one high flyer said something offensive to another, who then decided to stand up and jokingly approach the student as if to fight him. This happens a lot--they stand up and say "You wanna go??" and it seems like they're going to fight, but really they're all friends and they're kidding around. This doesn't make it acceptable however, so I approached the student, walking towards him down the aisle of desks. His friend (another frequent misbehaver) decided it was the optimal time to trip him, and he had no choice but to fall right into me, two hands straight out. He solidly grabbed both my breasts before rebounding, completely accidentally. In fact he didn't fully realize what he had done until he observed the reactions of myself and the other students. It was utterly mortifying and yet such a comically silly situation. I was very upset, especially because it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been misbehaving in the first place (believe it or not students can't just get out of their seats in the middle of instruction and violently approach another student). I sent him outside so we could talk. He immediately began that it wasn't his fault, that so-and-so tripped him. I assured him that I understood, but reminded him that if he had stayed in his seat in the first place, this wouldn't have happened. Then he told me he felt too awkward to return to class (poor thing!). It didn't take him long to get over that and start messing around again, and I spent the rest of my class protectively covering my chest without realizing it. What a day. In other news, I took the PLACE test for physical education today. It's frustrating to me that as a licensed teacher with a ballet degree I can't just teach dance. Instead I need to pass the PE test, which I'm not sure I did. I'll see the results soon, and in the meantime I'm applying to charter schools that might be able to overlook my lack of a PE endorsement. I meant to update my blog numerous times since my last post--every day that ended up being positive. However I don't usually have time during the week, and good days are always followed by bad days, which makes it difficult for me to remember what made me so happy I wanted to blog. Sometimes, my students make me happy. Most days, they do not. I'm 75% of the way done with my TFA experience. Here's hoping I can make it to May!

Been A While...

biggie mals — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:02:23 +0100

Shooting 2 blocks from school this morning.. so glad none of my kids were hurt! Hoping their families are okay as well.. That being said, the second year of teaching is SO much better than the first. I feel so much more ready to tackle whatever is thrown at me, and confident. Like when I found out I was looping up with some of my students from last year.. on the first day of school. Teaching double the subjects with half the support has been rough, but I'm just glad it wasn't that way during my first year. I love the administration and staff at my school, so definitely feel inspired, despite the continual 15-hour days! Kids are killing it. Every class scored an 80% on at least 1 out of 2 sections on our first district assessment, and the kids I looped with did on all parts. Every kid I had last year who never reached 'proficient' on a district exam has this year. So proud of these middle schoolers! When I get a second (wait, when will that be?), I will post my favorite kid quotes and stories from the year. Some include the new addition from this year: the class hamster! Until next time, Biggie Mals.

what it's like to be the best

BallerinaMathematician — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 01:14:16 +0100

I had three different administrators come up to me today and tell me how great I am. You see, we had visitors in our school today, and they observed my classroom. These are the important kind of visitors--the kind hired for the whole area of failing schools to make sure we're on track. They are a Big Deal. So big that my principal interrupted my class to tell me exactly what time they would be observing me. Of course they came much later than that scheduled time, and I didn't think anything of it. Apparently they thought something of it. My classroom was a "model of exemplary classrooms." They said that my classroom was one of the BEST in the whole area, best of all the classrooms they've seen. However, that's not what's on my mind. This is what ran through my head as I drove home from work today, crying: How am I the best if one of my students was abused because of me? He refused to do any work in class yesterday, and when I asked to talk to him after class he walked out and ignored me when I called his name. I called home and gave THE most positive "bad call home" I have ever given. It was along the lines of "your student is one of my best and is always awesome, but seemed to have an off day today. I'm holding him for detention to do the work he missed by not participating." Very lighthearted, very positive. He was beaten and kicked out of the house, and is now scared to go home. He blames me and our relationship is ruined. He was extremely defiant and disrespectful towards me today and I don't know how to gain that amazing student back. How am I the "best" if a student call me a racist? I gave him correct and balanced feedback about his behavior in class (he's on a behavior contract) and he angrily shouted that word at me as he left. It truly upsets me when students say that. Would the "best" teacher have students talking and pretending to shoot guns at each other during a lock down drill? Would that teacher have an advisory that is out of control and can't stay quiet long enough to listen to the directions of the fun and relevant projects and activities created for the class? I work hard to make that class meaningful and they throw it back in my face--all the same students who listen carefully in my regular algebra class. If I'm the "best" would I need to get the principal to make students go to lunch detention for me? They wouldn't listen to my polite requests to follow me to detention, and just cursed at me and refused. The principal was nearby, and one word from him and suddenly they followed. Would students run out of the door they aren't allowed to go through and breeze right past this "best" teacher, who happens to be calling their name and telling them they can't go through that door? Would the "best" teacher go home crying like it was her first year? Feel like a failure? Not want to come to work tomorrow? Wonder why she's teaching? That's what it feels like to be "the best."